...that thrives on dysfunction and chaos. Today I want to speak on the normalized chaos within our relationships, specifically romantic and/or friendship based. Welcome back to the site and happy Saturday! I'm happy to see you here again and if it's your first time then get comfy! We'll only spend a short amount of time here together today because quite frankly, this week has been whooping me upside my head. But I survived every single one of the shots that did and didn't miss...and since I'm still here it sounds like a win if you ask me!
Let's get into it.
I'm going to just rip the bandaid off. What is about chaos that brings you comfort? I'm not necessarily speaking to you per se, but to whomever this resonates with. Why do you find peace and refuge in instability? Why are you restless, waiting for the pin to drop, for the bomb to go off, hoping and yearning for the moment for the easiness to finally become hard? Just so you can feel peace? I want you to sit with that while you read. Check that heart posture of yours, cause I'm going to talk about something completely different today, but I felt led to drag someone this fine Saturday afternoon.
So what I really wanted to talk about is how obsessed we are in western society with toxicity. And I'm speaking more to maybe the teens to 30 somethings. We (and I don't mean me, y'all be safe out in the trenches) need to do better! People suck at conflict resolution and have absolutely no skills equipped to do so. I believe, through my own time spent with myself and being hyper vigilant of the world around me, that our society is full of broken people breaking people. Poor conflict resolution can stem from multiple life experiences and how you may have dealt with them when you were younger; introducing the concept of the inner child. How was this inner child treated when conflict arose? How did (and does) your body physically react to this emotional state? How did you see the people that matter to you most address conflict in front of you? Did the people in your life engage in healthy conflict to give you proper behaviors to model after? Does the thought of conflict enrage you, sending you into fight or flight mode? I could go on and on with the questions. If you're wondering what I mean by this "inner child" let me explain! In psychotherapy, an inner child is the manifestation of your first core memories as a child. Your brain recalls these moments and shapes you into the adult you are today. It is because of this, that we run away from what upsets or endangers us, or why we appreciate the things we do. Think of it as a second layer to our innate fight or flight response. In your first core memories, you learn that fire is hot and can harm you; so your brain recalls the "stop, drop, and roll" and all the fire safety that comes with it. See, the idea that fire is dangerous and fatally harm you has been instilled in you early, so your brain's desire for survival will engage in whatever reaction possible to get you to safety. This manifests in our present day weariness to fire as developing and already formed adults. We contain fire, we don't play around with it, we wear appropriate clothes, etc etc. All because of those core memories. So our emotional memories and how we react to them are no different. We are intelligent beings that try to protect ourselves in the only way we know how based on how life has treated us. So I hope that makes sense.
Psychologist and cognitive behavioral therapists have identified these collections of reactive behaviors and molded it into the form of the child we once were, because a lot of the way we move throughout the world is based on how reality was presented to us when we were younger. It's why certain situations may "trigger" you, or why certain acts of love may enlighten you more than others.
I genuinely believe this inner child needs to be healed because sometimes the reality that our subconscious believes to be true, is merely an overcompensation of that fight or flight response. But again, I do believe this is just a part of the reason why so many people suck at conflict resolution. And it's not even that they only suck at that either, it's so many parts to it. Taking accountability, listening and not hearing, being humble, hell, even just APOLOGIZING is so freaking complicated for some folks. It's so frustrating and I don't speak in an air of arrogance in this topic, forgive me if that's the energy you're getting. I think as a person who's inner child was hurt from years of piss poor conflict resolution and has internalized what it means to not be understood or even desired to be understood, it's so frustrating. It's frustrating because I know what that feels like to be on the receiving end of that mess and so many people do! Yet instead of repurposing that feeling into like, I dunno, going to seek HELP, people decide to jump on the toxic bandwagon.
Gotta hurt them before they hurt you right? Gotta play the right game, do the Russian roulette of who can care the least. If they text you like this, you gotta ghost them as punishment. "How to treat a woman" this, "you're not an alpha male" that. Who's paying on the first date, and the anger it incites (and the millions of red pill podcasts. God save us all). Your significant other isn't making you happy, so it's justified in stepping out your relationship because they should've just made you happy. It's their fault not yours. Your friend shouldn't be upset that they haven't seen you in ages because you keep blowing them off to see your significant other, they should know their role. A whole bunch of they should'ves and not you should'ves. What are you doing to fix the problem? Oh alright.
Y'all dont be tired? Cause I am. Everyday the same topics, habits, and patterns. The same convo, the same realities. Then you have the media that glamorizes this toxic little pattern, we see it in our music, in our movies, on twitter (the jobless majority) etc. Telling people to cheat back so they can get their lick back. Look, I could speak to you from the aspect of my faith but I don't even need to do that to tell you that you need to heal. You cannot thrive on this dysfunction. Society'll tell you it's cute for the vibe that you might kill your ex and that his new girlfriend's next, loving on someone who belongs to another is just a life thing, and that falling out with friends you once called family, consistenly, back to back, is just a part of the journey (which to a certain degree is true).
*Also side note: I hope you can smell the satire off the SZA bit I mentioned cause I'm not deeping the song like that!
We'll scream to the rooftops with these songs that are a "mood" and a reflection of our life because life goes crazy sometimes forreal and I do get it. We don't premeditate the conflicts we may find ourselves in. But we also live in a society that preys on these relatable scenarios and will not employ you to get out of it. Not to heal, not to grow, not to change. Not to do the work and sit down with the trauma you and they try to bury. Not to do the uncomfortable labor. We foster this instability on the inside of ourselves and with our interpersonal relationships, then mask it in digestible, entertaining ways when it really is just a cover up for all the chaos some of us are too ashamed, stubborn, or afraid to confront. Because misery loves company so why don't we gather and just sit in it.
But I want you to get out of it.
I want you to want that for yourself. I want you to want peace...to want stability. No... rather... I want you to desire it wholeheartedly. I want you to seek after it with your everything, to make it yours. All that time you're spending finding yourself in trouble and wahala always, fighting with people and wondering why you're always on 10, you could use that time to getting to meet with that inner child of yours and maximize your potential. To understand the ways you've been hurt and choose not to remain in that hurt any longer. To break the cycle of perpetuating that hurt to others. To make it easier for us to love ourselves and for our loved ones to love, support, and understand us. Realize that you are a worthy of that stability. Go to therapy. For the love of God and all things Holy, PLEASE. I'm begging on my knees right now because a lot of you need to seek HELP. Life would be so much better for you (and for all of us highkey) if we could just do the work to learn about who we were, why we are, and what we can become. We can save ourselves and the people we love a lot of heartache, mistakes, and turmoil that way. You owe it to yourself.
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